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  [ m o r e    h e a d l i n e s ]

By Pat Dooley on August 22, 2004 at 8:10 PM EST

Okay... Yep, I’m pretty sure they’re not singing in English. Welcome to the TPWW Sunday Night Heat recap. This past Sunday, the Legend Killer became the youngest World Heavyweight Champion in WWE history. The following contest is scheduled for one fall.

“Stand back, there’s a Hurricane comin’ through!” That’s a blatant lie, because it’s actually Rosey. And, as much as I love Rosey’s “RC Cola Man” get-up, I have to go with his opponent in this one, the Natural Born Thriller, Chuck Palumbo. Chuck, apparently fresh off an eight-hour shift at a local mechanic’s shop.

Rosey with an armwringer. Snow is working on adjectives to describe his reaction to what happened to Randy Orton on RAW. Palumbo reverses the arm-wringer, but Rosey gives him a short-arm clothesline. According to Snow and Coach, the reason Hurricane is out now is he suffered a broken nose at the hands of...Chuck Palumbo. Don’t you love it when even the Heat matches have psychology behind them?

Palumbo drops Rosey throat-first across the top rope, then re-enters the ring and clotheslines him. Stomps for Rosey, then a big knee to the side of the head. Just like last week, Snow compares Palumbo’s wrestling style to “a mugging.” Rosey reverses a whip. Palumbo went for a sunset flip, and Rosey missed his spinning leg drop.

With Rosey down, Palumbo fires away with kicks and knees. Modified camel clutch, and Rosey is bleeding from the mouth. Coach speculates that a big right hand from Chuckie earlier in the match is the reason for the blood. Rosey gets to his feet. Chuck stupidly jumps up onto his back. Rosey hooks him, and drops him in a side slam.

Rosey uses the ropes to get up, and takes a forearm from Palumbo. Big clothesline from Rosey and now a scoop slam. Rosey goes off the ropes and hits the spinning leg drop for two. Palumbo backs him into the corner. Palumbo with a massive Yakuza/Mafia kick gets three. Beautiful kick, and a good finish.

Coach gloats about the fact that he called Orton’s Summerslam victory. Still to come, Val Venis is taking on Rodney Mack.

Shelton Benjamin tells us that when we vote, we win. Be sure to vote in November, boys and girls (at least those of you who are eighteen and...uh...American).

Coach welcomes us back and thanks us for ordering Summerslam. We get a photo montage of the Till Death Do Us Part match. Matt Hardy blasts Kane in the head with the ring bell, but Kane comes back with a chokeslam from the second turnbuckle for a three count and Lita’s dowry. The next night on RAW, Eric Bischoff gave Kane an early wedding present, an Intercontinental Title shot against Kane.

Footage from RAW starts with Kane hitting a flying clothesline off the top rope after a ref bump. Kane’s setting up for the chokeslam, but Lita grabs his ankle. Kane turns around to see Edge charging for the Spear, but Kane manages to kick him in the face. Kane again goes for the chokeslam, but Matt Hardy hits the ring and lands a Twist of Fate. Lita seems awfully happy for someone whose fiancé was just attacked by her ex-boyfriend. Spear by Edge gets three, and he’s still the Intercontinental Champion. You’d think that Kane would be angry, but he’s not. Oh, he can see what kind of relationship this is going to be, and he is going to enjoy it. But nothing can upset him tonight because next week, right here, live on RAW, they are getting married. And later that night, they’ll consummate the marriage. Lita slaps Kane. Oh, yeah, that’s the way he likes it. It’s going to be a hell of a honeymoon. Oh, my God, the turnbuckles just exploded from the sexual tension! Oh, wait. That’s his pyro.

Tomorrow night on RAW, it’s the “wedding from hell” according to Snow. Coach says that in about seven months, they’ll be one happy family. Once again, Vince finds exactly what I don’t want for my birthday: a Lita storyline.

Blah blah blah RAW Diva Search...

Rather than report on the commercial break, I’m just going to recommend that everyone go and see “Collateral.” Coming from someone who isn’t a very big Tom Cruise or Jamie Foxx fan, this is a big endorsement.

Taye Diggs is going to count down the 52 Most Irresistible Women on Spike TV. Yeah, I watched some of that the first time and, as always, I agree with most of who’s on the list, but the order is so wrong.

The WWE Rewind is Tajiri misting Sylvain Grenier, leading to a Gore from Rhyno and a match at Unforgiven pitting La Résistance against Rhyno and Tajiri.

Blah blah blah RAW Diva Search... They all say Carmella doesn’t want to be there. The audience picked Michelle. Okay, only one blond left, I think. But, honestly, I don’t care.

Speaking of not caring... Ah, I’m just kidding. Here comes Maven. His opponent tonight is the one, the only, the man, the myth, the legend...somebody who they didn’t even make a name key for. Al calls him Dances With Babaganoush. Yeah. That was funny when “MXC” did it, Al. Not so much for you.

Maven with an arm-wringer. It’s Arm-Wringer Mania! The Unnamed Jobber rolls through it, but a legtrip by Maven leas to another arm-wringer. Jobbo The Hutt fights out of it with a fist, then eats two dropkicks for two. I have a feeling those aren’t the last dropkicks we’ll see from this match. Another arm-wringer, but Maven ends up getting stunned across the top rope by Mister Eagle Tights. Maven eats the top turnbuckle (not unlike George Steele). Big takedown by the...guy, and then he does a tomahawk chop.

Rear chinlock on Maven now. Tatanka (Buffalo) Junior gets elbowed in the midsection, then twists Maven’s neck. Al and Coach talk about the “junk” in Maven’s “trunk.” Maven drives Chief Little Talent headfirst into his knee. Back elbow for two. Vertical suplex, then Maven kips to his feet and goes up top. Flying crossbody, but Jobber Jobber Bo Bobber rolls through for two. Maven goes back up top and hits a “flying reverse DDT” according to Coach for three. I guess that’s a pretty good way of describing it. Sort of a modified Blockbuster. Coach says that the sky’s the limit for Maven.

Still to come, Val Venis and Rodney Mack. Up next, Triple H acts intense while he talks to Randy Orton. “Evolution is your solution, man.” I think Darwin used to have that bumper sticker. RAW is going to be going places in the next week. I don’t mean metaphorically. You know, they’re always touring and stuff. Wasn’t paying attention to where, so check the official website if you reallyreallyreally need to know.

Welcome back, and Randy Orton didn’t have much time to recover after his Summerslam victory over Chris Benoit. Benoit uses his rematch clause to earn a rematch for the World Heavyweight Title in the main event. Later that night, Orton gets Benoit up on his shoulder, then drops him back in a neckbreaker for two. Ross speculates that Benoit’s life depends on kicking out there. ...’kay... Ross is dismissive of Orton, blah blah blah. I really hate Jim Ross, have I mentioned that?

Headlock (shocker!!!) by Orton, and Benoit fights out of it, only to get a big neckbreaker from Orton. They trade fists, and Benoit hits a big knee to Orton’s midsection. Orton’s hurting, then does his variation on the backbreaker where he drops to his knees, using his own back as the fulcrum of the move. Ross calls Orton the most celebrated 24-year-old in the world. Then dismisses his talents some more. Orton misses a cross body off the top rope, then Benoit hits a suplex slam. Benoit signals for the headbutt, and nails it! “Bah Gawd, shades of the Dynamite Kid! Can he capitalize! One! Two! Will it be eno—NO!” We’ll be back with the conclusion.

Blah blah blah Diva Search...

Heat is brought to us by “Anacondas: The Hunt For The Blood Orchid,” “Test Drive: Eve of Destruction,” and Maxim Haircolor (who are also sponsoring the Internet Babe of the Year competition. Spoiler: Trish wins).

We’re back, and Benoit is hitting rolling German suplexes on Benoit. Ross can barely keep it in his pants. Crippler Crossface! “This is gonna be it! Benoit rippin’ an’ tearin’ at the Crossface!” Orton tries to roll through it, but Benoit holds on. Orton really wants to tap out. Benoit releases the hold to hit Ric Flair and Triple H and Batista as they try to interfere. He turns around...RKO! Orton gets the three with help from Evolution. Trips enters the ring, and Ross swears to God that he thought Orton was going to tap out. Yeah, like the Almighty cares about Jim Ross’ thoughts on a wrestling match.

Batista slams Benoit into the steel steps at ringside. Orton kisses his belt, then embraces Flair. Big hug for Davey Boy Batista. Handshake for Hunter. Then a hug. Okay, I was worried Hunter was gonna get left out. Another hug for Ric... This is getting ridiculous. Batista lifts Orton up on his shoulders in celebration, and Ric and Hunter do the happy happy point. Hunter gives the ol’ thumbs up...then down. Orton calls him something we can’t print, and Batista gives Orton the Electric Chair! Hunter begins raining fists down on Orton’s head. Hunter begins his far-from-sexy striptease, and that randy devil Flair loosens his tie. Wow, wrestling just took on a whole new subtext for me. Hunter gets right up in Randy’s face and yells about being the Game or something. Slap slap slap slap slap slap. Flair and Dave pick him up, Hunter shows him the belt. He knows what it looks like, Trips. He is the champion. Then Hunter nails him in the face with it. Punch punch punch punch punch punch punch. Hunter wonders who the man is. It’s Vader, silly. I thought you were around in 1996. Dave tells Randy that he’s nothing without Evolution. Um...hello, kettle?

We’ve gone to black and white, like something out of “Kill Bill Volume 1.” Batista hits his sit-out powerbomb, and the women scream as Hunter takes off his shirt. Yeah, I know. His man-boobs gross me out, too. Hunter nails the Pedigree. Hunter shows him the belt and says that it will always be him, that it will never be Orton. Hey, Hunter! When was the last time you were World Heavyweight Champion.

DUCK!

Kane invites us to his wedding. Sorry, pal. I...uh...have to do some writing that night.

Blah blah blah RAW Diva Search...

Slam of the Week is brought to us by “Anacondas.” Batista gives Jericho a spinebuster, and he and Flair put the boots to him. Edge runs out for the save, but decides not to come into the ring.

Back in the arena, Rodney Mack’s got new theme music and a new tattoo on his chest. That’s pretty cool, Rodney. Coach calls Rodney and Jazz “cool.” I’ll agree with that. Now, if only Mack were a better wrestler... “Helloooooo, ladies!” Val weighs 242 pounds, according to the Fink. I’m assuming that’s total body mass. And I’m going to stop before I get to my intended punchline.

Coach and Al talk about Shawn Michaels’ imminent return. Hmmm... Michaels was injured by Kane after a feud with Evolution. Tomorrow night on RAW, Kane is getting married, and Evolution will make their first appearance after kicking out Orton. It’s one thing to foreshadow, guys. It’s another thing altogether to bash us over the head with what’s going to happen tomorrow night.

They trade shoulderblocks to start, and Mack ends up headbutting Val in the Valbowski as Val tries a leapfrog. Val oversells as Mack drops elbows and knees across his back. Rodney hits a big suplex toss, and Val is in a lot of pain. Kick to the kidneys by Rodney. Hey, remember when Faarooq popped Ahmed Johnson’s kidney by doing that? Yeah, neither does WWE...

Coach says that the fans are stupid, because they think Rodney Mack sucks. Actually, the fans’ intelligence just went up a bit in my eyes. Just kidding, Rodney. You’re not that bad. At least you’re not Lita. Or Billy Gunn. Or Hardcore Holly. Or JBL. Val goes for a nelson slam, but Rodney powers out. Val lifts a knee into Mack’s midsection, then clotheslines him twice. Big neckbreaker by the former Chief Morley. Two count, and Redd Dogg kicks out.

Mack just punched Val just above the groin. Rodney tries to lock in the Black Out, but Val fights out of it. He tries the fisherman suplex, but Rodney blocks it. Val gets a spinebuster off somehow, then mounts (hee hee hee!) the turnbuckle. Jazz grabs his foot, and Val kicks her off the apron. Money Shot, but Mack gets his knees up! Val writhes on the canvas, and Mack cinches up behind him and nails the Black Out for three. The happy couple (Rodney and Jazz, not Al and Coach) celebrate as the announcers plug the wedding.

That’s all for Heat. Thanks for reading. Happy birthday to me.


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