As soon as the theme song ends, Batista’s theme song hits the speakers! The 318-pound monster of Evolution makes his way to the ring. Todd and Coach talk about the fall-out from Survivor Series. Well, Todd does, Coach fawns over Batista. “Hello, ladies!” His opponent is Val Venis, who – shockingly – survived the roster cuts. Good for him.
Val looks warily at Batista. Val is now sporting a shaved head. Now he looks like a... Never mind. Batista forces Val into the corner, then gives him a hard shove. Val fires back with punches, but Batista shoves him back into the corner. Boot to the face by Val, then a series of kicks to the leg brings Batista down to one knee. Val charges, but Batista catches him in a brutal spinebuster! That gets two.
Batista dropping knees and elbows across Val’s back before hitting a floatover suplex for two. Now he throws Val onto the apron, then dragging him to the floor. He slams Val headfirst into the barricade, then tosses him back into the ring. Now he drops an elbow across Val’s chest as he hangs out of the ring. Running kick to the side of the head, and Batista is rolling. Another big running kick. Now he kneels on Val’s head, using the ropes for leverage. He breaks the hold.
Val fires away with shots to the midsection. He charges, but runs right into Batista’s elbow. Scoop and a Davey Boy Smith-esque powerslam by Batista. That gets another two. Val with elbows to the gut, now a punch to the face. Reversal on the whip, then Val elbows Batista in the head. Punches and chops by the Big Valbowski. Batista choreographs a back drop and gets kicked in the midsection. Val tries to clothesline him out of the ring, but Batista fires back with a big clothesline of his own.
Batista picks Val up and drives him down with a Batista Bomb for three. Not even close. Somebody holds up a “Hi Ron” sign in the crowd. Uh... I’m Pat. But “hi,” anyway.
Todd welcomes us, then asks Coach if he’s okay physically after RAW. Todd says that Maven was running RAW, Coach says they’ll take a look at that later. Still to come tonight, Chris Jericho takes on Steven Richards.
The commercial break starts with an ad for WWE 24/7. I need to go change. Be right back.
WWE’s Monster Job of the Week is brought to us by Monster. It’s Lita going apeshit on Trish Stratus with a chair, breaking Trish’s nose, then slamming her face-first into the ring.
Back inside the arena, it’s...Viscera? Uh. Hopefully this doesn’t last long. The match, not the entrance. I know this entrance will take 45 minutes. His opponent is Steven Lee, who lost on Velocity last night (in a handicap match against Big Show). Vis starts with a big shove. Short-arm clothesline. He sends Lee into the corner and chops him in the chest repeatedly. Big hiptoss, and Lee begs off in another corner. Vis hangs him from the Tree of Woe. Big running “thump” by King Mabel.
Another short-arm clothesline. And another. Full nelson slam. Vis goes for an atomic leg drop, but Lee moves. Vis reverses a whip, then hits a massive belly-to-belly suplex. Vis just lays down on Lee’s back, and now he’s hitting him with crossfaces. Now he slams Lee into the corner, then a cross-corner whip and a running splash. Lee hits a dropkick, but Vis barely moves. Lee charges, and Vis hits a spinning heel kick? More of a somersault, but still... Vis hits the Embalmer (Baldo Bomb) for three.
So, what, is Viscera on the roster now? Oh, wait. He’s choking Lee now. Now he’s done. Anyway, is he on the roster now? They release Johnny Stamboli, Rico, and Chuck Palumbo, but they sign Viscera? Up next, Christian tells Edge that he can either follow his lead or get the hell out of his way.
This ECW moment is brought to us by “The Rise and Fall of ECW” on DVD. It’s the same clip from last night of the Rob Van Dam-Bam Bam Bigelow match from April 4, 1998. Of course, the highlight of that was RVD’s somersault plancha into the crowd, to which Joey Styles replies (and I quote) “Oh, my GAHD!” What’d you think he was going to say? I mean, it was Joey Styles. Well, okay, there was the one time he said “Holy shit,” but it was usually “Oh, my GAHD!”
Todd thanks everyone who watched Survivor Series, where Randy Orton’s team beat Triple H’s team for control of RAW for a month. On RAW, GM-for-a-night Maven signs a tag team match pitting Chris Benoit and Shelton Benjamin against...Edge and Christian!
Benoit hitting everything that moves with German suplexes, hitting a series on Christian. Tomko on the apron grabs Benoit, but he Edge accidentally spears him. A series of Germans for Edge now. Benoit heading to the corner, but Christian intercepts with some punches. Out of nowhere, Benjamin nails Christian with a Stinger splash! Benjamin hits the T-bone suplex, and Benoit lands his diving headbutt. Crippler Crossface! Christian taps out.
That was a cool match, but they couldn’t give Edge and Christian the win in their first match in three years? Benoit and Benjamin celebrate on their way up the ramp, and we get a replay of Benoit finishing Christian off. Edge looks pissed. Christian has rolled to his knees on the floor. Edge slaps his “brother” upside the head, then starts stomping on Christian’s shoulder. Now he sends him shoulder-first into the post! Edge says that the fact that he’s not World Champion “is everyone’s fault.” Hey, I take back what I said before. If this leads to a big push for Christian, I’m all for it.
Up next, it’s Tyson Tomko against The Hurricane!
WWE Rewind is brought to us by M-Azing. It’s a lingerie pillow fight between Christy and Stacy. Honestly, does anyone other than Lawler give a shit? Christy wins.
Inside the arena, Tyson Tomko steps out onto the ramp. I guess he gets to keep Christian’s old theme, now that he has a new one. Cool. I like this song. Unfortunately, I don’t think Tomko’s quite as good as the song. “Stand back! There’s a Hurricane comin’ through!” And it’s time for WWE’s resident superhero. Heat is brought to us by Yu-Yu-Hakusho, Monster, and XBOX.
Collar-and-elbow, and Tomko shoves Hurricane off the ropes and taunts. Hurricane slaps on a side headlock, but Tomko shoves him off the ropes. Shoulderblock by Tomko, and Hurricane hits the ropes. Hurricane yells “Whassupwitdat?” He forces Tomko into the corner and rains down some fists. Tomko grabs him by the throat, then hurls him into the corner. Gorilla press into a fallaway slam. He follows Hurricane to the floor, and he drives his spine into the apron.
Tomko whips Hurricane into the corner, then hits a back body drop. Now a neck vise. Hurricane elbows his way out of it, but Tomko fights back. Hurricane ducks a clothesline and hits a cross body for two. Tomko didn’t miss the second clothesline. Now a choke. Another neck vise by Tomko. Forearm to the back by Tomko, but hen he runs into a series of fists. Hurricane gets his feet up into Tomko’s face in the corner, then hits a tornado DDT! That gets two.
Hurricane going to the top rope. Cross body block! Tomko kicks out at two. Hurricane charges, but Tomko gets a foot up into his face. Hurricane kicks out at two. Tomko with a scoop, but Hurricane slides off his back and thumbs him in the eye. Tomko hits a big fireman’s carry neckbreaker. That gets three.
Still ahead, Chris Jericho collides with Steven Richards. Up next, Triple H offers Maven a spot in Evolution.
RAW will be in Buffalo tomorrow, Hershey on Friday, Philadelphia on Saturday, Bethlehem on Sunday, and Baltimore a week from tomorrow.
Welcome back, and on RAW, Maven had a choice to make. We get a video package where Maven explains the fall-out from Survivor Series. He’s running the show tonight, and he gives the fans a little taste of what to expect. Eugene and William Regal win the World Tag Team Titles. Randy Orton destroys Coach. And Maven gets a shot at Triple H.
Triple H says that he can either go after the World Title, or he can “take the sure thing” and join Evolution. Evolution can give them anything they want. Evo comes out with Triple H. Benoit and Jericho come out to see his decision. There’s only one thing he wants, the World Title. Down the stretch, the ring fills with bodies. Evolution, Benoit, Jericho, Edge, Orton, everybody attacking everybody. Snitsky comes out and starts beating people up. He finally kicks Maven in the face, allowing HHH to hit the Pedigree and retain the World Title.
Tomorrow night, RAW is in Buffalo. Who will be the General Manager? And what will they do? It’s going to be either Jericho, Benoit, or Orton. Up next, it’s the main event: Chris Jericho against Steven Richards.
The WrestleMania Recall is brought to us by Clearasil For Men. In 1996 at Wrestlemania XII, Shawn Michaels takes a zipline to the ring for his Iron Man Match against Bret Hart. Vince McMahon shills his ass off.
Muhammad Hassan’s uncle Akbar’s store closed because of American prejudice after September 11, 2001. Hassan won’t let any WWE superstar, and won’t let any prejudice stand in his way. Khosrow Daivari translates.
Inside the arena, Chris Jericho makes his way to the ring and the announcers speculate as to whether he’s the next general manager. Jericho’s opponent is the general manager of Heat, Steven Richards. These two put on a great match a couple of months ago, so let’s see how it goes tonight.
The bell sounds. A big “Y2J” chant starts up. Somebody’s holding a “Stacy Is Hot” sign. Well, duh. Collar-and-elbow, and Jericho takes Richards down with a side headlock. Headscissor takedown by Richards, but Jericho kips out of it. Jericho dances. Richards mocks him and shoves. Jericho fires back with a chop, then a kick, a punch, and a series of chops in the corner. Now a running clothesline into the corner. Richards sent off the ropes, and Jericho elbows him in the face.
Richards heads to the floor to recuperate. He re-enters and challenges for a test of strength. They do the old “oh, no, wait, do THIS hand” routine before Jericho kicks him in the midsection. Big chop knocks Richards on his ass. Richards attempts a sunset flip, but Jericho rolls through it and attempts the Walls of Jericho. Richards grabs the ropes. Jericho goes for a springboard dropkick, but Richards hits the deck and Jericho tumbles to the floor.
Richards with stomps back in the ring. Nice neckbreaker by Stevie Night Heat. Now he drops an elbow across Jericho’s back. Another big chop, now a side suplex. Richards gets a two count. Now a rear naked choke with a body scissor. Jericho works out of the body scissor, but Richards still has the choke on. Jericho fires away with elbows, but Richards throws him down to the canvas.
Knee to the midsection, and now Richards sets up for the Stevieplex. He turns it into a neckbreaker variation. Awesome. That gets two. Now he’s choking Jericho across the middle rope. Richards does the Jericho run-in-place taunt, then does the Dude Love dance before running into a clothesline. Both men using the ropes to pull themselves up. Jericho with a punch and a chop. Then a big running forearm. Another takedown. Jericho misses a clothesline, then calls Richards an assclown.
Drop toehold across the middle rope, and Jericho runs in place before dropping a leg across Richards’ back. Big bulldog variation, and now a Lionsault...but Richards gets his knees up! Jericho slow to his feet, and he runs into a Sky High by Richards! That gets two. Stevie setting up for the Stevie Kick. Jericho catches the leg, then trips the other heel. Walls of Jericho! Richards reaching for the ropes, but he’s right in the middle of the ring. Stevie taps out.
Another really good match between these two. I would love to see Stevie get some attention on RAW, but I think I can settle for three-or-more-star matches from him on Heat.
Thanks for reading the Heat Report this week. It may be a couple of weeks before the next Heat or Velocity Report, as I’m moving this week and don’t have cable or internet at my new place yet. Either way, I’ll be back soon. Take care!
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