2001: Some Kind of Odyssey
By "Mr. Monday Morning" Adam Kirk
Background: It is the year 2001 (duh). WCW is in serious trouble. Very few wrestlers remain, and virtually all of them are upset with the management and the direction the company is going. All of the top talent and promising youngsters have jumped ship, and the company is in dire trouble.
Over in ECW, business is booming. They are officially the No. 2 company, and have grown to mammoth proportions compared to their humble beginnings. The style of wrestling remains the same, and the roster is like a who’s who of young exciting talent. Only one dissenting voice can be heard…
Meanwhile, the WWF continues its phenomenal rise to the top. They have showed no signs of slowing down, and have signed, plundered, and almost stolen the top talent from wherever they can find it. The entire federation is now a global corporation, and is on TV 7 days a week the roster is so large. Things show no sign of letting up…
January: On the first Raw of the new year none other than former president Bill Clinton is shown in the front row. Footage is shown of Clinton backstage, meeting the wrestlers and having a good time. Current feuds include Rock vs. HHH (still), X-Pac vs. Kane (still), and Rikishi and Viscera vs. The Dieticians (the Headbangers in another doomed gimmick).
In WCW, problems continue to mount, as at the Souled Out PPV Kevin Sullivan books himself to win the World Title. Hulk Hogan suggests to Sullivan that they form a stable to ‘take over WCW’. Sullivan, not one to share the spotlight, refuses, and Hogan walks out on WCW. It is announced that Torrie Wilson is the No. 1 contender after beating Sid with a powerbomb.
Elsewhere in ECW, Super Crazy continues his feud with Tajiri, New Jack is forced to retire when his new weapon combination of aerosol and lighter backfires while jumping through a skylight onto an opponent, and a new ring has to be ordered after Big Sal executes a frog splash on Spike Dudley. However, because this is ECW, the show must go on, and Spike manages to execute an Acid Drop for the pin, collapsed lungs and all.
February: Footage is shown throughout the month of Hulk Hogan standing outside the various arenas campaigning to get himself a position in DX. "Suck it, brother!" It is announced that after miscarraiging last time, Mae Young is again pregnant. Mark Henry’s joyous celebrations are cut short when it is announced that he is not the father; for the father is in fact Bill Clinton. Mark Henry challenges Clinton to a match at Wrestlemania.
WCW continues to slide into bankruptcy as Sullivan authorises a new round of firings after a heavy drinking session. The roster now consists of Brian Knobs, Norman Smiley, Tony Marinara and Torrie Wilson. And Kevin Sullivan as world champ (all other belts were unified at the Mayhem 2000 PPV). Average gates are down to 15, and Tony Schiavone is starting to sound slightly pessimistic on Nitro.
In ECW Joel Gertner begins his long-awaited feud with Jason for the title of Sexiest Man on Earth. Sabu’s career comes to an unfortunate end while participating in a ‘flaming barbed wire rope exploding landmine glass floor alligator pit death match’ against Terry Funk (who else?). Meanwhile, there are rumblings that Rob Van Dam (still World Television Champion) is unhappy with Paul Heyman’s plans for him…
March: Wrestlemania, the biggest event of the wrestling calendar. History is made, as the Dudley Boys become the 16-time World Tag Team Champions, Chris Jericho wins the World Title for the first time, and Bill Clinton defeats Mark Henry in the main event using a picture-perfect Shooting Star Press. History is also made in a different way, as after a successful sexual discrimination case a right-wing feminist group succeeds in making Jerry Lawler go through the entire broadcast without mentioning puppies, kittens or any other sexual reference. The attendance is reportedly (according to the WWF) 126 million people.
Over in WCW, a mutiny occurs, as the remaining wrestlers alter Kevin Sullivan’s booking sheet at the last minute, and Torrie Wilson becomes World Champion on the PPV. The next night Nitro actually defeats Raw in the ratings for the first time in over 2 years, thanks to some ‘imaginative’ video segments of Torrie which last the entire 2 hours.
Rob Van Dam’s dispute with Paul Heyman comes to a head as Van Dam walks out on ECW, after being told that before he can become World Champion he has to drop the Television Title. Van Dam objects, seeing as under a 350-year old Pennsylvania state law he legally owns the belt after having held it for 23 months. Van Dam decides to set up the World Rob Van Dam Federation.
April: The WWF, reeling from the fact they actually lost in the ratings to WCW, poach Torrie Wilson, who appears on Raw and throws down the WCW Title. Meanwhile, Chris Jericho restarts his feud with Chyna yet again, and Steve Austin, now happily retired from wrestling, is named CEO of Budweiser International/Whoop-Ass Inc.
In desperation, Kevin Sullivan decides to name Tony Marinara the first ever Tony Marinara Heavyweight Champion. Marinara then drops the belt to Norman Smiley on Thunder. Ric Flair is contacted about doing a possible angle with Brian Knobs. Flair refuses, and threatens to report Sullivan to the police if he keeps phoning him.
Jerry Lynn battles Mike Awesome for the World Title, but before the match can finish, the show is halted by representatives from the Environment Agency, who are set to fine ECW severely for single-handedly destroying half the rainforests due to their flagrant use of tables. Awesome promptly powerbombs the representatives through a table at ringside.
May: Despite the fact that the vendors selling cotton candy in the aisles draw more reaction than her, Chyna somehow defeats Jericho to win the WWF Title. In a scene reminiscent of Taz’s match at Anarchy Rulz 99, the entire locker room empties to meet Chyna at the entranceway. However, unlike the match at Anarchy Rulz, the entire locker room proceeds to beat her to within an inch of life, including HHH, who is now seeing Torrie Wilson instead, and put her through various moves, including the 3D, senton bomb, tombstone, bronco buster, pedigree, etc etc. The show draws the highest ratings in Raw’s history.
It is announced on the PPV that Norman Smiley will face a mystery opponent for the Tony Marinara Heavyweight Title. The opponent turns out to be none other than Eric Bischoff, still contracted to Time Warner AOL Buena Vista Polygram JVC NBC UPN Pepsi Inc. Bischoff pins Smiley after a 2 ½ hour match, the last half-hour of which unfortunately was not taped.
Due to the fact he is head booker, as well as producer, cameraman, main star and, literally, the Whole F’n Show, Rob Van Dam is frustrated in his attempts to find opponents for himself. The flagship show of the WRVDF consists mainly of Van Dam performing moves on a non-existent opponent, with subtitles to explain the moves he has to sell. The highlight of the show is of course his introduction, as he is not only the WRVDF Champion, but still the ECW World Television Champion. While introducing himself on the mic, he manages to remove both belts with his spare hand, and then perform his patented spin kick. Unfortunately the total crowd to date is precisely 0.
During a TNN taping, the man now known as Steve Corino’s Sophomore Monster, Rhino, has to stop during the middle of his match to gore two more Environment Agency representatives who attempt to remove all the tables from underneath the ring. Meanwhile, Corino himself is crowned the Old School Champion. Due to the fact no-one else in the promotion wrestles Old School, Corino is set to become the longest reigning champion in wrestling, just as soon as RVD retires.
June: During the King of the Ring PPV, a historic match occurs; a battle royal to determine just who the hell is allowed to make decisions in the WWF. Those involved include Vince, Shane, Linda and Stephanie McMahon, Austin (out of retirement after discovering Budweiser have reverted to making non-alcoholic beverages), Mick Foley, Shawn Michaels, the ghost of the Undertaker, and a man looking suspiciously like Hulk Hogan. Due to the fact he is a paranormal entity with no physical presence, the ghost of the Undertaker cannot be thrown out, and becomes the new Commissioner of the WWF.
Eric Bischoff attempts to reform the n.W.o., then realises that there are only 5 people on the entire roster. After issuing an open challenge for the Tony Marinara Heavyweight Title, Mike Tenay becomes the new champion after hitting a 10-star frog splash (Schiavone’s words, not mine). The crowd of 7 gives Tenay a standing ovation.
Tragedy occurs, as while attempting to film a Van Daminator on a non-existent opponent for TV, with the camera in one hand, Rob Van Dam comes to an unfortunate end, a la Stu in Scream. It is announced the funeral service will take place next month.
After giving a trial to the guys from the Environment Agency, Paul Heyman realises they have more talent than half his roster. He promptly books them to win the Tag Team Titles from Balls Mahoney and Simon Diamond. Meanwhile, Guido attempts to play head games with the crowd, as before his matches he starts taking pizza orders. The tactic backfires spectacularly when the crowd take him up on his offer and realise he wasn’t being serious.
July: It is decided that Taz is not getting over enough, so he is given the rights to the Corporation namesake, and promptly renames it the Tazporation, consisting of himself. He promptly faces Chyna, and chokes her out within 35 seconds. However, seeing as Chyna getting beaten up is a huge ratings draw, Taz is instructed to keep the hold on for the rest of the show. The WWF gains a 90% share of the TV audience.
Mike Tenay vs. Larry Zybysko headlines Bash At The Beach ’01. With the crowd firmly on his side, Tenay retains the title, after interference from Brian Knobs and Kevin Sullivan. Tenay then turns heel, insulting both crowd members, and shooting on Tony Schiavone. Tenay challenges Schiavone to a match at the next PPV.
History is made, as ‘The Whole F’n Funeral Service’ draws the highest buyrate in the history of PPV. Commemorative T-shirts and videos sell out whenever they’re put on the shelves, and Van Dam’s grave becomes the most visited in the world, outstripping JFK and James Dean combined. Disparaging jokes are made about Van Dam finally working stiff, but whoever dares make those jokes are dragged into the street and beaten publicly by the millions…and millions of RVD fans. Which is strange, as precisely none of them watched his show.
At Heatwave ’01, Joel Gertner finally fulfils his ‘boyhood wet dream’ of becoming officially the Sexiest Man on Earth, after using his 69er Driver to defeat Jason. He promptly introduces his new gimmick, taking over from Heidi Fleiss as pimp of the stars. To prove it, he brings out Sarah Michelle Gellar and Britney Spears and offers them to the crowd. The lucky man who is able to afford them turns out to be Roadkill…
August: Deciding to kick the WWF into overdrive to try and finally kill off WCW once and for all, it is decrees that from now on all matches must involve at least 3 people and make use of at least one of the following, the more the better; chair, table, Spanish announce table, English announce table, Swahili announce table, entrance ramp, entrance stage, fire extinguisher, ‘pointless wandering up into the crowd and straight back down again’, an attempted piledriver reversed into a backdrop on the outside, ringpost, steel stairs. Summerslam sees the longest and most talent filled main event ever, as Taz takes on Austin, HHH, Rock, Jericho, Benoit, Guerrero, Big Show, Kane, and Crash Holly for the WWF Title. After a 4 hour marathon of a match Crash Holly schoolboys the Big Show to become WWF Champion for the 4th time.
Incredibly, Tony Schiavone does not become the new Tony Marinara Heavyweight Champion, as without headphones it seems he cannot function properly and promptly collapses as soon as he attempts to hit Tenay. Bobby Heenan throws down his headset in frustration and retires on the spot. Rumour has it Kevin Sullivan attempts to call in a favour from Satan, but Satan tells Sullivan it’s a lost cause.
Shockwaves abound throughout ECW, as after leaving Lance Storm to manage Nova, Dawn Marie reveals Storm is actually from Toronto…Ontario, Canada! Footage is shown of Storm having regressive psychotherapy to attempt to deal with the fact Paul Heyman brainwashed him into believing he was from Calgary, just to allow Cyrus to indirectly put down Bret Hart.
September: Encouraged by the success of the recent shows thanks to the ‘extreme numbers’ policy, Vince McMahon encourages a second Royal Rumble, similar to the old War Games, involving the entire WWF roster in one ring. McMahon is informed the technology to engineer a ring able to hold Viscera, the Big Show, Rikishi and the Rock’s ego won’t exist until 2237. McMahon decides to live in the now and secretly books the Rock in for a full frontal lobotomy. Observers say Rock may now become even more repetitive on the mic than he was before. McMahon is heard to say something along the lines of "Not f’n likely…"
Kevin Sullivan ecstatically announces a press conference to announce a NEW WCW signing. Who is revealed as none other than Nicole Bass. Bass is immediately announced as the No. 1 contender to Mike Tenay’s Tony Marinara Heavyweight Title. Brian Knobs takes offence that Sullivan thinks he needs another big-assed blonde retard, and promptly walks.
Paul Heyman, ever the human dramatist, decides to create an angle around Sandman being admitted to Alcoholics Anonymous. Scott Hall jokes abound. Meanwhile, Tommy Dreamer decides to put the surgery off ‘for just one more month’ because ‘the fans need me’. Dreamer is informed ECW still doesn’t carry health insurance, and promptly decides to have the surgery. In the new-look PWI awards, Justin Credible is named as ‘least annoying name/gimmick’.
October: In a Halloween special, tragedy strikes as a three-way match between Vampiro, Gangrel, and Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer turns into a real-life horror story as Spike turns out to be a real vampire, and promptly fulfils Gangrel’s life-long dream, and Vampiro’s…dream by name reference, by turning them both into real vampires. Unfortunately Sarah Michelle Gellar isn’t around to save the day, as Danny Doring has taken out an extended lease on her…
In a titanic battle, Mike Tenay defeats Nicole Bass using a testicular claw, as Bass passes out. When she comes to she promptly sues WCW for sexual discrimination. The case is upheld, and WCW are forced into a payout of $150m. Norman Smiley then decides to try a similar trick and sues WCW for character defamation. He wins a payout of $75m. Kevin Sullivan makes all remaining staff sign a ‘no-sue’ clause.
Temporarily struck by writer’s block, Paul Heyman decides to re-invent Chris Chetti’s dancing gimmick, only this time using ABBA instead of Ricky Martin. Chris Chetti is never again seen on TV. The same right-wing feminist group that got to Jerry Lawler decides to go after Joey Styles for his use of the word ‘catfight’, preferring the term ‘ideological difference resolution’. Strangely, they don’t mention Joel Gertner at all…
November: Continuing with the experiments in the WWF, the first ever 35-man team Survivor Series match takes place. By an extraordinary coincidence, the last 2 remaining wrestlers are HHH and Rock. Upon seeing this the entire crowd walks out in disgust, and even Jim Ross sounds pissed off at having to call the same match for the 876th time. On a lighter note, the WWF announces they have acquired the licence to clone the Hardy Boys, so that in any time in the future, if they happen to die trying a particularly risky spot, replacements can be thawed out and they can still put on great matches and keep the crowd entertained.
Running out of ideas, Sullivan books the remaining members of the roster against each other in a Battle Royal for the No. 1 contender spot for the Tony Marinara Heavyweight Title. Astonishingly, and coincidentally, it is this very night that Ted Turner decides to take a look at how WCW is doing. Seeing the complete and utter shambles surrounding the company, Turner overrules Sullivan and books himself to win the Battle Royal. Starrcade here we come!
Controversy surrounds ECW once again, as Mike Awesome, at the request of Paul Heyman reportedly, cuts his hair, and almost immediately drops the belt to Kid Cash. What is it about November? Awesome, forced to live up to the reality he will forever be nicknamed ‘Samson’ decides to quit the business and become a monk.
December: Responding to a poll conducted on the WWF fans, McMahon decides to fire the least popular wrestlers, including Rock and HHH. Mysteriously, Mideon is also included on the list…Turn around is fair play, as ABC is refused advertising space for the NFL in the middle of Raw. Then, in a move from out of nowhere, the Superbowl is officially renamed the RawBowl, thanks to McMahon buying the entire franchise of the Superbowl. History is made…
Ted Turner wins the Tony Marinara Heavyweight Title at Starrcade ’01. However, his celebrations are cut short, as government officials arrest Turner in the middle of the ring on suspicion of unpaid parking tickets. His assets are sold and Turner is given a life sentence, due to the fines totalling some $43m. WCW, finally, meets its end. Kevin Sullivan, while no-one is looking, snatches the Tony Marinara Heavyweight Title and takes it with him to put on his mantlepiece.
Joel Gertner is named Time’s Man Of The Year. Additionally, he is made favourite to become the next President of the United States. Joey Styles quits ECW due to ‘unsatisfactory working conditions’. Tommy Dreamer finally wins the ECW Heavyweight Title, after using a La Magistral to roll up Kid Cash. Unfortunately his title reign lasts less than 5 minutes, as Yokozuna appears and promptly crushes Dreamer’s ribs to become the new champion. Yokozuna vs. Big Sal is rumoured for Guilty as Charged ’02…
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