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    Conan Introduces the XFL

    The following is a transcript of a recent XFL related skit done on NBC's late night talk show, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien." The show airs every weeknight at 12:30 AM EST on NBC. The following skit aired this past Friday, February 9.

    NOTE: Text in RED indicates that an image is available by clicking the red link.

    Conan O'Brien:

    The XFL is an exciting mixture of the tradition and physicality of pro football with the drama and disfunctional personalities of pro wrestling. Week two is tomorrow and to help people make sense of exactly what they're witnessing, we're going to do a little skit called "Introducing the XFL."

    Now, the first thing people want to know about a new football league is the names of the teams. Well, I have to warn you, these teams don't have the smash mouth names you're used to cheering for. For example, this one's really lame. There's the Cleveland Ketchup Packets. This one's a really poor choice for a name: The Kansas City Basketball Players. Here's one that's gonna cause some confusion: The Miami Japanese People. Teams everywhere are intimidated by the Minnesota Sam Watersons. And lastly, the bad asses of the league, the Denver Sadness.

    The XFL likes to brag that their players make a normal wage. Their average player salary is around $40,000 - a far cry from the millions made by NFL players. Here are just a few of the flashy toys that XFL players can afford... They can pick up a 1988 Honda Accord with vanity plates. A used Magnivox Two Cassette Boombox. 28 bags of apples. And my favorite, a Ross Perot Halloween mask.

    You know, everything about the XFL is extreme right down to the ball. It may be the same size as an NFL ball, but there are a few things that make it really extreme. Number one - Its exciting black and red design. And number two, its evil power to destroy men's minds... Take a look. [A player is shown in the XFL locker room. The coach gives him the game ball. Suddenly, as the player is tying his shoes, the cameras cut back and forth to closeups of the player's face and to the XFL ball. Weird music is played and the player begins to grab his head in pain. Finally, his head explodes.] The best special effects in the business.

    This weekend, the XFL will introduce its latest innovation... let's meet him now, here's Jerry Samulson, the naked XFL referee. [A guy wearing only a referee hat comes out, blows a whistle, pulls out a penalty flag, and leaves.] ... Jerry Samulson - the naked XFL referee.

    You know, if you plan on betting on XFL games, you'll be interested to know that the odds have already been released. For example, the odds of the New York Hitmen winning the championship are 6:1. The odds that anyone shows up are 36:1. The odds that XFL cheerleaders pose for Playboy are 2:1. The odds that the XFL cheerleaders pose for other cheerleaders... 1:1. Finally, the odds of an XFL player being named to the Hall of Fame: 100:1. The odds of an XFL player being named McDonalds employee of the month: 2:1.

    Finally, the XFL has a tough road ahead. Over the years, similar leagues have tried to gain a loyal following and they failed. Remember this league? There was the XtasyFL. Where players consumed ecstasy before the start of every game. [Players are shown dancing together while techno music plays and purple lights flash]. That one didn't work. Then, there was the short lived XXL where big and tall people competed for extra large clothing. [A heavy man and woman are shown fighting for a pair of pants at a store] And of course, a few years ago there was the disastrous DFL or Dog Football League. It didn't work. [A clip of dogs running around, dressed in shirts, with a football laying on the field is shown. The scoreboard reads: "Minnesota - 0, St. Louis - 0" with just a few seconds left in the 4th quarter.]

    And with that, the segment ended and the show went to commercials, after which they would introduce their first guest of the night... Al Roker.

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