Writer Attends WrestleMania 31 On ‘Mushrooms’

I was in San Jose for WrestleMania 31 staying at a house with a dozen other sweaty, bearded dudes. I secretly took shrooms, hoping I wouldn’t turn into a large public spectacle. I didn’t want to be so high people thought I was really passionate about John Cena. That’s simply unacceptable. I wanted to play it cool.

For some reason I assumed it would take a while for them to kick in, so I ate both of them before we left. They tasted terrible. I scrambled for some gum to get that earthy taste out of my mouth. It was like open-mouth-kissing an anthill.

Within 20 minutes I was fascinated by how shoes work:

We had a driver, and I knew we would be watching from a suite at Levi Stadium, which is where the 49ers play. This was good. I knew I wouldn’t be surrounded by tens of thousands of strangers who may or may not send me into a vortex of nightmares. I was feeling giggly and light, but then I looked down at my phone, and when I started trying to text my friend the keys that I wanted to press started jumping up off the keyboard. So instead of just typing words I played some advanced Chuck E. Cheese/Pokemon game called “Catch the Levitating Letters.” I felt like Neo learning how to control the Matrix.