Yo. My name is Mike, and its WAY too frickin' early in the morning. I haven't slept in the last 9 hundred hours (at least it seems that way) and yet, here I am writing a report for you people. No, I don't expect your thanks, it is my job. I only expect your cash and your women, delivered by 9pm tonight. Thank you. Here we go with the News and Rumors, hold on to your ass.
WWE Confidential has already made its "mark" in history. Former WWF Champ "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels admitted he knew all along about the plan to screw Bret out of the title at Survivor Series so many years ago. Why did this make the top news? This is my pitiful attempt to END the talk of this fateful day in wrestling history. Screw-job, no screw-job, it happened, its done, lets move on, okay guys? Onto better things...
The brand extension reached its next logical step as the writing team split into two groups. The RAW brand will be headed by Brian "I'm not too known so I don't get a last name" and the ever-lovable SmackDown! is headed by "Today network TV, tomorrow the world" Paul Heyman. Stephanie will watch over the product and supervise the final decision making, while Vince will still be head honcho. His role is reported to be "Taking credit for the successes and blaming the failures on Jericho."
The ratings for the respective brands are not doing very well at all. In fact, SmackDown! had its third lowest week in its history with a 3.3 rating last night with a 6 share while RAW got a 3.7 rating. The RAW rating had Memorial Day to blame for its "not-goodness", what did SD! have to blame? The placement of Edge in a main-event type role. Someone, quick, de-push him and put Hogan in every quarter hour, fast!
One WWE show still does well, and surprisingly, that show is the often-forgot about WWE Tough Enough II. According to 1wrestling, it managed a 2.8 cable rating, with a 4.6 share, its highest ever. The 60-minute program is this week's "Internet in uproar" topic, so let me cover it before its 15 minutes die off.
Two winners were chosen, and there isn't a Y chromosome between them. In simple terms they be womens, yo, they be womens. Jackie and Linda were chosen over Kenny and Jake, much to the surprise of most WWE viewers who hadn't heard the announcement that it wasn't a male and female this time around, but any two of the remaining four. People scream and shout that the contest is rigged, or that it was done for publicity, or that the guys were screwed only to boost ratings for next season or BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH! Yes, it was a surprise, but really guys and guyettes, isn't wrestling all about doing what will bring in the ratings? Maybe Jake deserved it more, maybe he didn't. Maybe Kenny had the makings of a master jobber, maybe he didn't. The plain fact is, we'll never know. The same can be said for the final of the contest, but if we're gonna bitch about some topic, lets worry about something important. A union for the wrestlers, getting NWA: TWA off the ground so we have two companies again, stopping the dangerous and destructive steroid use that's reportedly rampant throughout the industry, these are all topics worth our time. If a mohawked freak didn't win a contest because Vinnie Mac felt a Jackie victory could get better ratings, well, isn't that what the contest was all about, what would bring more ratings? Eh, I'm tired, maybe T.E. 2 is more important then the wrestlers who provide us with so much entertainment's well being.
Um...I didn't really see SmackDown!, or RAW, or the SmackDown! afterwards. The first two I was on vacation without TV-ness during, the final one was pre-empted here in Detroit. I'm just gonna say that apparently Benoit made his re-debut on RAW, turned heel in/after a match that saw RVD reclaim the Intercontinental title, and an explanation of why he was on RAW instead of SmackDown! was on SmackDown! itself. The Hurricane's enemy said they'll be showin' up for SD! next week, and I guess the picture looked womanesque, so expect it to be one of the Vertibreaker dancing girls from back in the day. Oh, and Dawn Marie is back as another of McMahon's bitches, his paralegal to be precise, and is expected to be making out with McMahon on camera soon. Dude, Vince is such a player: First he has Trish, then Torrie, then Stacy, and now Dawn Marie. God, all that AND he gets the greatest girl of them all, Linda McMahon. I'm seriously hot just thinking about her monotone delivery. Ooh baby, extend my brand. (I apologize to anyone who read that last statement. That was uncalled for, and I'm ashamed. Not really, if I were, I'd delete it. Fear my libido, it hunts your Grandma.)
The Jarrett's NWA: Total Non-Stop Action event is set to air on June 19th live and only on pay-per-view. The main event is a match being dubbed "Gauntlet for the Gold." The match will be the EXACT same as the Rumble, with a 90-second entry time, and only one twist: At the end of the match, when only two rejected WWE jobbers remain, a singles match will commence, ref and all. The winner will receive the NWA World Championship. Announced for the match are Jeff "I kept WCW on my shoulder and this is what I get" Jarrett, Ken "I got my ass kicked in MMA" Shamrock, Marcus "I killed the InVasion with one match" Bagwell, Gran "Who?" Apolo, Brian "Daddy! I want my old job back!" Christopher, and Scott "Any joke I would make would be largely insensitive and much too easy" Hall. More people will be announced, I'm sure, and if I end up still writing this after that Grandma comment earlier, I'll make fun of them too.
Injury report time, Maven f***ed up his Fibula and will be out for a few months, Edge dislocated his shoulder and it'll probably require some surgery, and until he gets it, his game'll be way off. DDP is broke as hell, and 3 out of 4 doctors say if he takes another big bump, he'll be paralyzed. The 4th doctor is obviously an ECW fan. Nash'll be back pretty soon. Timmy White will be getting a MRI done on his shoulder next week. Finally, my wrestling withdrawal will right itself Monday, June 3rd. Most experts expect it may even be sometime around 9pm, although as of press time this was unconfirmed.
Steiner and Goldberg and not hired yet, but they will be once ratings drop further and McMahon panics. For everyone saying they can bring the fans back, let me tell you something. We went through this with the InVasion, with the ECW thing, with Rocky's return, with the Undisputed Champ thing, with the nWo, with Hulkamania's revival, and if he wasn't a midget we'd have gone through it with Benoit's return as well. The only solution to bad ratings is NOT TO HAVE A BAD PRODUCT ANYMORE! People, the writing lacks permanent direction, the characters are goofy and unbelievable and the only upward movement of any midcarder is the movement that occurs when a top star's political power rapes them up the ass. Bringing in a child with a God complex or a maniac without the ability to lift up his foot will not solve anything.
In what I hope is the final "Hell Flight" news, apparently some wrestlers had their drinks spiked with something called Halcyon pills. I'll admit my stupidity right here and say I have no clue what those are, they sound like the device Skywalker uses to teach his Jedi students. Obscure Star Wars books references rule.
Its time for everyone's favorite part of the news, what's The Rock up to today? Well kids, he'll be giving an award to Janet on a show that airs June 6th. He's also scheduled for the June 15 WWE show in Honolulu and word is he'll even show up to SummerSlam, too. Ooh boy, two WWE appearances by our beloved hero over the next few months! His movie career hasn't interfered at all!
WWE brass are trying to convince Kurt Angle that it isn't really his dream to compete in the 2004 Olympics. See, with all the people banged up after they sacrificed them for ratings in cage matches (SEE: Edge), they just don't want to do without him. So Kurt, just remember. You're their little toad-monkey, and the only enjoyment you'll see is the smiles on our faces as you moonsault off a cage and snap your own neck...again.
It's not negativity, its funny. So I tell myself, at least. Ross says that among other things, there will be color commentators being tried out on HeAT over the next few weeks. He also tells us Mark Henry will be competing in another strong man contest. WWE dodged a bullet, here. He was almost back long enough for us fans to remember why he sucked.
Books will be out in the future. There will be the ones you read, and then there will be the wrestling books. Fabulous Moolah (August), Hulk Hogan (October), Jerry Lawler (December), and Freddie Blassie (March 2003) will be out, and hopefully you'll buy them, Lawler's especially. I hear that having your girl take most of your stuff and the ounce of dignity you had hidden away is expensive.
In a final note from El Ross-o, a bunch of developmental wrestlers will be being brought up soon. They will work the house matches, and hopefully, get put on TV. In a related debut note, Rey Rey will be debuting on SmackDown! sometime soon.
I'll be honest with you folks, that's about it. E3 was over the weekend, but nothing too revolutionary was announced about any of the WWE videogames I'd already mentioned, and no new ones were debuted. NWA's PPV will be around soon, I hope to God its good. I don't think it will be, but for $10, I'll support some competition. I hope you all will too. I apologize to anyone who hated the quality of the report, I truly am sorry. Oh, I don't want your Grandma, honest. I just want her dentures on...Heh, that's too far, even for me. Alright yo, have yourselves a good weekend, I'll have a column up soon, hopefully before Weds. and prom and all. I'm off to 4 hours of sleep and another full day of running around doing shite. Remember, believe in yourself and you've got at least one person fooled. With that word of not too great wisdom, I'm out, peace.
Michael Blaszkowski
threePunk@tpww.net
AIM: threePunk2oo2
Previous News Update >>> More on Davey Boy's death, WWE writing team splits, Goldberg and DDP update, and more. >>>
News Archives: Missed the news updates for the last few days? You can check them out by clicking HERE.
Wrestling FAQ: Got a common wrestling question? Check here to see if your question is answered from our Wrestling FAQ.
Send Your News: Do you have any news tidbits, recaps, or any other types of news? Please send them in to news@tpww.net.